I have about a million things to say about Bella, some funny, some heart wrenching, but most importantly what I can say about Bella is that I loved her with all of my heart. Bella was a throw away, purchased by someone who thought that the small fluffy ball of white was the cutest thing that they had ever seen and then, when they realized that she wasn’t the perfect dog, it was time to get rid of her. She was about 3 months old when she came to live with us.
Bella taught me patience in life. She taught me that it was best to discipline with love and not anger and that most things could be solved with a hug and a kiss. Bella loved life. Chasing coyotes and unfortunately cars were her passion. Tugboat was another of her passions. She decided from the moment he came home that he was hers and she took over his education until he was about 10 months old. For some reason when he turned about 10 months old she decided that he was my problem. Even though she gave him back to me, she still loved him dearly. Tug has had some moments this past week of what seems to be confusion. I know that he knew that she was sick but I don’t know what all he understands.
Cancer is an evil disease that affects not only the one who is sick, but the family members who love them. It’s a strain that cannot be explained.
From the moment that Bella was diagnosed until I held her and kissed her goodbye, she was my reason for being alive. So many nights I held her, sang to her, rubbed her tummy, her ears and her shoulders, singing to her and talking to her and begging God for a miracle. I am bitter, my faith has been tested, and this is something that I have to accept and live with and find peace with – the fact that I have lost her and there is not a reasonable explanation as to why. I know that it is not my position in life to question God – this is my belief – but I am so hurt right now that I am having a hard time with my faith.
So many nights I just wanted to freeze the moment – I hated each morning that the alarm went off as I would have to leave her for the day. Every meal that she had from the time she was diagnosed, I hand fed her; most of her meals I cooked. Despite all that we were doing and all that she was eating, she was still losing weight. Giving her meds to her became a challenge – she hated the pills and could tell anytime I had it hidden in her food and would immediately decide not to eat. So I then started dissolving the pills in mineral water and giving to her with a syringe.
Towards the end, the tumor had continued to spread, grow and disfigure my beautiful baby. It had already taken over her eye and the right side of her face. This tumor was a hot bed of infection and ultimately it was probably the infection that took the final toll. Cleaning the tumor daily was also a huge stress for her, but a necessary evil. I would always just hold her and love her afterwards and tell her that she was the most beautiful Bella in the world.
The Neoplasene actually killed a part of the tumor, but the type of cancer that Bella had was shooting out tendrils in the bone and it just kept growing and spreading. I think that on certain types of cancer, the Neoplasene is the best option.
Bella's death cannot be in vain – her passing at such a young age from such an ugly disease just cannot be in vain. There is no plausible reason that cancer should still be such a deadly disease. Or that such a young dog should die from it. Where are the answers? Where are the answers for all of the millions of dollars that have been raised?
I am sure that I am rambling — Bella deserves so much more than what I can put in writing and it’s also so very hard to even think when I can’t stop crying. I have cried so hard that there are times my eyes are so swollen I can’t see. It’s hard to drive or to work. Everyone tells me that it will get better with time. I don’t know that it ever will.
We are going to plan a Memorial for Bella and would like to raise some money to make a donation to 2 Dogs 2000 Miles in her name. I am also trying to figure out how to join Luke to walk the 2 miles across the Potomac River.
I so want to hold my baby again and tell her that I love her so much.
Attached are some pictures – the one with the puppy – that is Tugboat. Then there is one with Bella and Zoey, the 2 white girls, and then one with Bailey. Bailey and Bella decided last year that they hated each other – it was sibling rivalry of the extreme. Most people would have gotten rid of one or the other. Part of the lesson of patience that we had learned with Bella got us through a most difficult time, and we didn’t give up either dog.
Usually male dogs will fight until a butterfly passes by, females fight to the death. By the time that Bella had gotten sick, both Bailey and Bella were once again sleeping on the bed with us.
I am sure that Bella came into my life for a reason. Compassion and patience are the first things that come to my mind. I hope to honor her in the way that she deserves in her Memorial and maybe if we all pull together we can find a way to beat cancer for not only our canine companions, but our family members and friends.
Bella - February 14, 2006 - June 30, 2009
You are my Pyr Angel - Mom misses you so much.